Choice

“Be ashamed when you sin, not when you repent.”  (Saint John Chrysostom).

Saint John Chrysostom (Icon)

I sort of hate having free will because I use it so badly most of the time.

I understand – rationally – the reason why God has provided us with free will.  God did not create us to be His slaves.  Instead, He created us to know Him and love Him and to be with Him forever in Heaven according to the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

And yet, it is the pesky free will that keeps catching me out.

I freely decide to make poor choices or do the wrong thing.  I freely decide to swear or lose my patience.  I freely decide to gossip.  I freely decide to disrespect people or engage in negative things and in doing this I neglect my prayers or other things that will help me in this life and the next one.

And this builds really difficult pathways that get in the way of getting to Heaven.  This results in problems with my entire life, because these choices get in the way of my betterment.

And I have been thinking about this today as I have been thinking about the words of Saint John Chrysostom when he said, “Be ashamed when you sin, not when you repent.”  Because this is what happens to me with my choices.  I am fine to commit the sin – it can even feel quite good at the time that I commit it.  But later – when there is a consequence – that is when there is a problem with the sin.  Later – when there is a price to be paid – that is when I weep and moan and complain.

And I have been thinking about that today as I consider the natural consequences of my earthly sins.  For the natural consequences of my choices is eternal damnation – it is the complete absence of God in eternity.  It is a consequence so great that I could not even imagine the magnitude of such a terrible event.  I could not even imagine what it is to be without God.  Right now, it feels – sometimes – as though God is absent.  It feels – sometimes – as though I am completely isolated from God.  But this feeling is not true. 

You see, God is with me constantly.  The Holy Spirit is inside my soul whether I turn to Him or away from Him.  Christ ascended into Heaven to allow the Holy Spirit to minister to His Church until the end of time.  And so, when I feel that God is far from me it is not a truth – it is just that – a feeling.  The very definition of hell, on the other hand, is that God is absent.  God is not present in that place because that is the place where dead souls go.  And there is a horror so vast in trying to fathom that that there is no sacrifice that is too great and no suffering that is too terrible and there is no pain that is too great and no choice that is too hard to avoid an eternity of that!

For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.