Believe

“Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’” (John 20:29).

Doubting Thomas (Smuglewicz)

My maiden name is Touma which is an Arabic word that means Thomas…  Because we are Maronite Catholic, I have spent a great deal of my life hearing that we are a family of “doubting Thomases”…

This refers, of course, to the story of Saint Thomas’ meeting with Christ following his Resurrection…

“Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came.  So the other disciples told him, ‘We have seen the Lord!’  But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.’  A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’  Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’  Thomas said to him, ‘My Lord and my God!’  Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’ (John 20:24-29).

And I have been reflecting on that interaction of Saint Thomas and God – Christ Resurrected…

You see, I have had some surgery recently.  One of the implications of that is that I have scars from the surgical incisions.  Initially, those scars were wounds.  And those wounds were very sore indeed.  Over time the wounds have begun to heal, and they have formed scars, and those scars have become less painful than they initially were.  However, those scars remain – even after a period of some months – very tender and painful to touch.  This – I am assured by my surgeons – is a completely normal part of healing (and so I am not complaining); rather I am reflecting on the experience of pain in healing.

And in so reflecting, I have come to realise something about that interaction of Christ and Saint Thomas… 

You see, when I have previously considered this interaction between Christ and Saint Thomas, I have focused on Thomas and his understanding of the physical evidence of the Resurrection.  I have imagined the initial look of fear on Saint Thomas’ face (thinking perhaps that his mind was playing tricks on him) and I imagined the initial trepidation to approach Christ and to stretch out his finger and his hand to touch Christ’s wounds.  I can see the other apostles jostling in silence for a view of this miracle – wonder inscribed on their faces.  I have imagined Saint Thomas’ joy and holy fear of the Lord in realising that the Man who he had spent three years travelling around with as a brother, was actually in fact God Himself – not in a theoretical way – but actually…

And yet, following this surgery of mine and this experience with my wounds, I have another perspective entirely…  I can see Christ in that scene…

Saint Thomas had been a friend of Christ – a brother to Christ – for three years.  He had listened to countless hours of teaching, witnessed countless miracles, and he had observed a PERFECT AND SINLESS MAN who acted without reproach for YEARS.  He had laughed with Christ and probably cried in front of Him.  He had sought Him out and tried to be close to Him.  He had left everything to follow Him.  He ate with Him and lived with Him.  And STILL – when Christ was unjustly tortured to death – he ran away.  This is the same as if I were to run away and leave murders to torture a sibling of mine or a child or a parent or a friend – just run away and save myself and leave them to the mercy of the murderer…  Later, when he was told that Christ was risen – despite every miracle he had witnessed – Saint Thomas disbelieved… 

Poor, poor God.

And yet, when Christ appeared to Saint Thomas (seeking him out despite all of this), He placed Thomas’ hands into His wounds…  Note we are told they are “wounds”.  They are not just “scars”.  They are not stitched over and healed – they are open wounds from which Christ’s entire heart bled dry…  And if I have learned anything over the last few months, I have learned that wounds hurt.  They physically hurt.  To touch them causes pain.  There were times in my own recovery where I could not bear the touch of even a piece of fabric on my wounds…  And yet, Christ so loved Thomas – the man who rejected Him, disbelieved in Him and doubted Him – that He not only welcomed Thomas, but He allowed Thomas (who had already caused Him so much emotional and spiritual pain) to cause some more pain – physical pain – by placing his Hands into wounds…  And He allowed this because Christ knew that Saint Thomas needed to see – not the physical wounds – but His INFINITE LOVE…

And upon reflection, it occurs to me that perhaps Saint Thomas was able to say “‘My Lord and my God!’” not merely because he was able to touch the physical wounds of Christ, but because he could feel the INFINITE love of Christ, who could allow such pain and welcome the sinner with such perfect love and forgiveness…?

And when I think about this today, it gives me such hope.  For I am a sinner who has done far worse to God than Saint Thomas did.  But I do not need to see His wounds to believe – so perhaps when Christ said, “‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’” (John 20:29) He was talking to me – to give me hope – so that I could continue to believe in Him…

For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.