• Sarah Raad


“Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” (John 20:29).

The Incredulity of St Thomas (Rubens)

I have been thinking very much about my little baby who went to Heaven before he was even born, many years ago.

In the long years prior to my conversion – which occurred through Grace and no merit of my own – thinking of that precious child caused me terrible, unimaginable and unspeakable grief.

You see, I missed him dreadfully – in many ways, I still do... And I was alone in this grief. After all, how could I possibly explain the importance of a soul who nobody had ever seen, and who nobody had ever loved – except for me… There is a reason – after all – that a miscarriage brings with it such a terrible grief to women…

And yet – though I have been thinking about my little Saint very much – I do not experience that same feeling of sorrow when I think of him anymore. Instead, I feel great JOY!

For though it very often feels that nobody else knows him or loves him or wanted him – other than me – he is with me and with all of us now and always and is a great help to me in my life…

And there is such joy in having the help of this soul in my life!

I have been imagining the meeting of our souls – face to face in Heaven. I have been imagining the joy of our reunion. I can picture the angels watching us and singing as they see us together again and the smile of my Blessed Mother. I can hear the hymns and I can feel God’s love for both of us. I can imagine that child, holding my hand and leading me to my Beloved, teaching me how to adore Him – as he knows more perfectly than I, having entered Paradise in a state of Grace (having been Baptised by Desire).

And my heart is filled with peace and hope and joy and love. For I can imagine the JOY of that meeting, in much the same way that I imagine the JOY of the disciples in seeing the Risen Christ. After all, they had seen Him dead. They had assumed that He was dead and gone. And yet, there He stood. Alive!

I used to think that Saint Thomas was terrible to doubt the Risen Christ…

“Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, ‘We have seen the Lord!’ But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the nail marks in His hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.’ A week later His disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’ Then He said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here; see My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side. Stop doubting and believe.’ Thomas said to Him, ‘My Lord and my God!’” (John 20:24-28).

I used to think that the doubting Thomas was terrible. But now, I see something else in the doubts of Thomas… now I see his hope… It was too good to be true. It was too wonderful to imagine. He could not allow himself to acknowledge the Risen Christ because to do so would be to risk disappointment in case there had been some mistake. After all – it takes GREAT FAITH – to believe in the “Resurrection and the Life” (John 11:25).

And when I think about it – it was that fear of disappointment that caused me so much grief for all those years… That fear and that lack of faith!

How silly I was to waste those tears so mindlessly… But how wonderful for me to have that small soul praying for me from Heaven, for my Beloved came and found me – through those prayers...

And for me it is exactly as Christ said to Thomas… “Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen Me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’” (John 20:29).

And I know that this is truth – for I am blessed and I believe… And so, I am blessed…

For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.

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