My Beloved made me as His masterpiece, and I have a duty – as do you – to show the world His beautiful work…
I can safely admit – for whatever reason – that I have pretty poor self-esteem.
I could sit here and list out all the reasons why that is but at the end of the day that would not really help with anything, and would simply imply that other people were to blame for the problem at hand. And that is all very good, but blaming other people for a problem does nothing at all to solve that problem… And a solution is what I am searching for these days.
You see – call it a mid-life crisis, or a realisation, or an inspiration, or whatever you wish – I have come to realise that at forty years of age, I am (at best) about halfway through my life and (at worst) more than halfway through it. And I have felt the necessity to reflect on that fact on this – the last day of the year…
So, I have made a new year’s resolution for this year – and it is a BIG one for me. My new year’s resolution is to grow in self-confidence. Now, this does not mean that I resolve to be proud or vain or arrogant. In fact, it is quite the opposite ambition that I have. You see, Pride and Vanity and Arrogance are EMPTY emotions (which is how I know they come from evil, because they are an absence of good). What I aspire to this year is good self-esteem.
And what is good self-esteem (and how does it bring me closer to my Beloved)? Well, good self-esteem is GRATITUDE for the gifts that God has given to me.
When Saint Faustina first began her novitiate she would exaggerate her flaws. In her piety, she mistakenly believed that in doing so, she was being humble. But Christ appeared to her and explained to her that only total HONESTY is of the good and any LIE (including an exaggeration of her faults) was not from God…
And I have been thinking about that today. For I – more than most – have received great gifts from God. I was gifted with a family who love and support me in everything that I do. I was gifted with children who are good souls who I can pray into Heaven. I was gifted with intelligence and health and even beauty (to a certain extent – I am no supermodel after all). I was gifted with diligence and discipline and manners.
And yes, I have worked very hard to develop many of these gifts, and that perseverance in itself is a gift.
You see, when God made me, He made me a butterfly. He did not just make me into a butterfly, He made me into the most beautiful butterfly that could ever be imagined. And a butterfly is an interesting insect because it is as strong as it is beautiful. You see a butterfly, struggles to grow from when it is born. And it eats and eats and eats until it is ready for its cocoon. And then, it stays inside its cocoon until it is big enough and beautiful enough and strong enough to fight its way out… And then – it fights and struggles and pushes and strains to get itself OUT of that cocoon…
And, once it is out of the cocoon, it spreads out its big beautiful wings and dries them in the air so that it can fly.
And it occurs to me today that I have spent this – the first part of my life – pretending to be a moth… It is not that I have not realised that I have big beautiful wings, it is that I have pretended that they were a dull dirty grey colour.
And today I realise how wrong that is. Today I realise that I must have the courage (through the Grace of the Holy Spirit) to spread my wings and let the colours show.
For as Saint John Berchmans said, "Our true worth does not consist in what human beings think of us. What we really are consists in what God knows us to be."
For my Beloved made me as His masterpiece, and I have a duty – as do you – to show the world His work…
For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.