Without

“Then Jesus went on a little farther away from them. He fell to the ground and prayed…” (Matthew 26:39).

Crucifixion (Blake)

I want to be a Saint.  I want to be a GREAT SAINT!

I always did want this.

When I was very little, I wanted to be a Saint because I was scared of going to Hell when I died and I understood that Saints did not go to Hell when they died.  And because of my fear of punishment, I was determined to be as good as I could be so that I could go to Heaven when I died and be a great Saint.

I remember at the time, when I was so young, my teachers used to tell me that it was good to want to do good because we were afraid of going to Hell when we died, but it was certainly not the best way to do good.  They told me that doing good so that I could be pleasing to God was by far the greater way to be good.

At the time I was completely overwhelmed by that concept.  I understood that it would obviously be better to be good so that God was happy, but I would not really fathom how God’s happiness could somehow supersede my own very real fear of Hell.

And so, I did what I usually do when confronted with a very difficult situation, I did the best that I could do in the circumstances.  And this meant that I continued to try my best to be good because I was so afraid of Hell.  And I continued along this way all the way through my life until the moment of my conversion, which occurred through Grace and no merit of my own while I was praying for my little baby niece who was so sick.

And in that moment – somewhere inside my soul – I understood what had been missing and what it was that my teacher had been trying to explain to me…

I could never be a Saint without prayer.  And I could never pray properly without love.

Christ prayed.

We are told several times in the Gospels that Christ went off alone to pray or into the wilderness to pray.

“Then Jesus went with his followers to a place called Gethsemane. He said to them, ‘Sit here while I go there and pray.’  He told Peter and the two sons of Zebedee to come with him. Then he began to be very sad and troubled.  Jesus said to Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, ‘My heart is so heavy with grief, I feel as if I am dying. Wait here and stay awake with me.’  Then Jesus went on a little farther away from them. He fell to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, don’t make me drink from this cup.  But do what you want, not what I want.’  Then he went back to his followers and found them sleeping. He said to Peter, ‘Could you men not stay awake with me for one hour? 41 Stay awake and pray for strength against temptation. Your spirit wants to do what is right, but your body is weak.’” (Matthew 26:36-41).

And that last time that He prayed, He felt so alone.  That was the first time in existence that the Holy Trinity was no together in Spirit.  Because Christ – God the Son – had promised to suffer and die as a sacrifice for God the Father.  And in that sacrifice, He was completely alone, which is why the angels came to comfort Him.

And I have been thinking about that.  That example of loving prayer.  How much the Son loved the Trinity to be able to pray, even when He felt that He was without Them!  How much more must I love to merit salvation!  How much more…

For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.