End

“Father Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34).

Crucifixion (Gabriel Metsu)

The other day I was sitting in Holy Mass, praying away.  I was grappling – more than praying – with a serious temptation.  For some time, I had been holding a hurt in my heart.  Someone – who is dear to me – had hurt me more terribly than they had ever hurt me before.  That person had hurt me in a way that was thoughtless and selfish and terrible.  And not only had they hurt me, but they had feigned innocence during the entire process, acting almost like a victim. 

These days we would call it gaslighting.  Gaslighting is where a person does something but denies doing it so that eventually the victim of the offence doubts the truth and begins to reason that the other person – the perpetrator of the offence – is actually correct and can be trusted and believed OVER their own real and true experience.

These are all popular terms and popular in mainstream culture to speak about these things.  But really what they ultimately come down to is that one person causes harm or offence to another.

For a long time the pain of that person’s actions against me was terrible.  It remains painful to think about what happened even now.  The pain was not the problem.  My inability to let it go and forgive the other person – from the true depths of my soul was the problem.  I would tell myself – and God – that I was willing to forgive them.  I would repeat this over and again.  I would pray for this person and wish good things for them.  But talk – as they say – is cheap.  And I could not truly forgive them because every time I thought about what they had done, I was driven back to such terrible sadness and anger that it was as though we were starting all over again.

And then – that one day – when I was sitting quietly in Holy Mass grappling – yet again – with this problem, I reasoned to myself that my forgiveness is truly a choice and I was required to submit to that choice.  And in surrendering to such a choice to forgive, I did not need to consider the end that was in sight.  I did not need to consider the steps that I would need to take to get everything done.  Instead, I only needed to consider my part of the journey – that very first step.

And I realised that I could become a SAINT by making that first step.  Perhaps my whole sanctification hinged on my willingness to surrender to the true act of forgiveness.  When Christ was hanging on the tree, He looked down at those who whipped and spit on Him.  He looked down at those who stripped Him naked.  And He looked down at those whose sins He was bearing and He said, “Father Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34).

And it occurs to me today, that I must not consider the end – only the beginning.  For if I can choose to START, then God can carry me the rest of the way, all the way to the END!

For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.