“Be very childlike!I advise you to try to return sometime ... to the beginning of your first conversion…” (Saint Josemaría, Furrow at 145).
Almost three years ago I experienced what I call a “conversion”.
I was born into a Maronite Catholic family and had always practiced my faith. I attended Mass every week on Sunday (or Saturday night). I received the sacraments (Reconciliation and the Blessed Eucharist). I said a few short prayers with my children before they went to bed each night. I did the basics. I did the minimum. And I did not really do anything bad.
And I liked God. I thought He was a great “guy”. And I pretty much got all of the things that I had prayed for. So I really did not have anything to be worried about.
And then – quite unexpectedly – I fell pregnant with my youngest child. And then – quite unexpectedly, he died before he was even born. And then – quite unexpectedly, I never had another child. And then – quite unexpectedly – I required surgery that would disable me from ever having another biological child again.
And everything changed in that moment when my little boy died. In that moment, God did not give me pretty much exactly what I wanted in the moment that I asked for it. And my reaction was extreme and immediate. I no longer trusted God. I no longer even liked Him. I was furious with Him. How could He torment me so, and torment me so needlessly? I had not – after all – asked for or expected the child and I had lost Him. So – in my mind – a great gift had been dangled in front of my eyes and then snatched away – spitefully. And I was filled with grief.
And my grief was terrible and all consuming.
And then – after years and years and years of anger at God – in an instant (a literal instant) He healed my heart. While I was praying for my niece who was so sick (and yes – I know it sounds crazy, but though I was angry with God I did believe in Him and continued to pray to Him – angrily), God showed me that my child for whom I was grieving was in Heaven with Him.
And I knew in that instant that God had not taken anything from me when that child had died – instead, He had given me a saint…
And I have been thinking of that moment of conversion very much over the last few days. You see, Saint Josemaría wrote in Furrow at 145, “Be very childlike! I advise you to try to return sometime ... to the beginning of your first conversion, which, if it is not becoming like children, is very much like it. In the spiritual life you have to let yourself be led with complete trust, single-mindedly and without fear. You have to speak with absolute clarity about what you have in your mind and in your soul.”
And I have been thinking about that moment for me. Because when I finally realised with my adult soul that God is my Father, my Dad, my Daddy, then – and only then – could I be His true child. And then – and only then – could I finally rest, lay down all my anger at His Holy Feet, and climb onto His lap and rest.
And I have been thinking about that moment today – because everything is so much better since that beginning. So much better…
For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.