Courage

“Do not be afraid”…

Christ in Glory (Unknown)

I am very often afraid.

And I have come to notice that this fear really is a temptation.

When my little baby died before he was even born, for months and months afterwards, I would lie in bed at night – heartbroken.  And when I would speak to my husband about my feelings, I would always tell him that I was afraid.  He would ask me what I was afraid of and I would always say, I do not know, but I am just afraid.

With hindsight, perhaps I was afraid of the pain of that grief (it was certainly my first real experience with real personal grief, and I found it unexpected and utterly devastating)?  Perhaps I was afraid that my God did not love me because He had taken by little baby, who I loved so dearly before he was even born (and this thought tormented me for years before I had a revelation inspired by the Holy Spirit that in fact God loved me so much He SAVED one of my children so as to save the others, I pray)?  Perhaps I was afraid that this would be my last chance to have another baby (it was in fact my last chance and I was never able to have another baby again)?  Perhaps I was afraid that the experience would change me and my family forever (it certainly did)?

Whatever the reason for my fear – and I am still not entirely convinced of what the real reason was, it was a fear terribly profound and terrible.

I often reflect on that time in my life.  For though I have experienced fear since my conversion which occurred through Grace and no merit of my own, that fear has never been the same, because under that fear I can hear the words of God – “do not be afraid”…

I can see God as my Master and the Captain of my boat.  And so, I can take courage in the idea that God will direct me to wherever I need to be.

And I have come to understand that “If we give ourselves to him, he will give himself to us. We must trust the Master completely, place ourselves unreservedly in his hands; show him by our actions that the boat is his; that we want him to do as he pleases with all we possess.” (Saint Josemaria, “Friends of God”, 22).

And so, as I reflect on that fear that I used to have, that came from that unholy place, I have come to realise that there is really nothing to fear because God gives me courage to face all things.  And knowing that I can afford to trust in Him – because whatever goes wrong in my life – whatever changes may come – I will be abel to cope.  For I am not alone  And my God tells me, “be not afraid”…

For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.