Initial

“They kept me far from You, those fair things which, if they were not in You, would not exist at all!” (Saint Augustine, “Confessions”, 10, 27).

Saint Augustine Hesitating Between the Blood of Christ and the Milk of the Virgin Mary (Courtaurd)

I have been remembering my very first day of kindergarten.

When I was a little girl, my mother did not work outside the home.  She worked alongside my father in his business and because it was a family-run business, she was able to move her times around so that she was working at a time when it was convenient to her rather than at times when it inconvenienced her family.

My mother had been a kindergarten teacher for a decade before she married, and she was actually very good at preparing children for school.  So, the first time I was left alone at school, away form my mother, it was my first day of kindergarten.

When my mother dropped me off, I knew that something was going on.  I can still remember the feeling of excitement with all the activities in the room and also the nervousness at not wanting to leave my mother’s side.  Eventually my teacher came across to me and asked me to have a look at some blocks with her.  I remember very clearly looking down at the blocks and then thinking that I would look up to check that my mother was standing in the doorway watching me.  When I did look back up form the blocks, I saw that my mother was gone, and I was alone.  And I remember a moment of panic.  My eyes welled up and I felt completely deserted.  But that only lasted a very short time.  My teacher was very quick to distract me and the next thing I remember about the day was being collected by my mother in the afternoon.

I have been reflecting on that initial distraction.  After all, I only took my eyes off my mother for a moment, and that was enough time for her to have moved on.  Saint Augustine used to say that he was worried that he would be distracted from seeking out God and in that time of distraction God would pass him by.  And when I reflect on that initial day at school, I feel the same thing.

In my memory, I could easily replace my mother with God and my teacher with the Evil One sent to distract me.  This is not to say that either my mother or teacher were God or evil, but it does illustrate the point, which is that it only takes a little distraction to move us away from God.

Saint Augustine wrote in “Confessions” at 10, 27, “You, Lord, were within me, while I was outside. It was there that I sought you. I rushed headlong upon these things of beauty that You had made. You were with me, but I was not with You. They kept me far from You, those fair things which, if they were not in You, would not exist at all!”

And today I pray that I am not kept far from Our Lord – especially during that important initial moment of distraction…

For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.